On Being Transsexual

Last update 5 March 2002

Here are some musings about being transsexual. Me, I don't know if I am or I ain't. [LOL! See updates at the end of the essay! --Lannie] I am still in the process of exploring and trying to understand it myself. So this is a work in progress. If you find it helpful or amusing, great. Obviously I am no expert, so read with a skeptical eye, please. But anyway for whatever it's worth, here we go..

If you have any opinions or advice you'd like to share, or questions, I'd love to hear from you. E-mail lannierose@gmail.com or IM

Luv,
Lannie

Here's something I've come to learn about transsexuals. Some people know from their very earliest age that their true gender does not match their genetic sex. Of course these people are transsexuals. Other people do not figure it out until much later in life. These people are transsexuals as well, just as completely and truly as the others. In fact, they've been transsexuals all along, they just did not recognize or understand it. I may be this type of transsexual, because I still haven't figured it out, at the advanced age of.. well, let's go with 39, that's close enough to make the point.

What has happened to me lately is this. I'd been cross-dressing for quite a while, in fact, to a certain degree from a very early age. But I guess I would have to say I was "in the closet", as it was always alone, not shared with anyone else. Even though I would go out en femme shopping, or to the movies, or whatever, it was still a private thing. But then I started meeting other cross-dressers, and then some transsexuals, and things started to change for me. Gradually it became less and less about dressing up, and more and more about just living my life as a woman. And a wonderful thing happened. Suddenly there was joy in my life, a joy that had been missing for a long, long time. Suddenly there were friends, and I had not had friends in years. Suddenly there were interests, activities. Suddenly, I was dancing.

I fairly panicked. Joy? I didn't know how to deal with that. Or even if I could accept it without feeling guilty. But it was a good thing. I wanted to capture it. I didn't want to screw it up. I sought help. A TS girlfriend gave me the name of her therapist, and I called for an appointment. This was a remarkable thing for me, in and of itself. I had done rather extensive couples and personal therapy years before when my marriage was breaking up. I knew what therapy is all about. For years I had chosen not to engage in it, because I didn't believe I could turn my miserable, depressed, pointless life around. But now I saw a ray of hope--indeed, a broad shaft of light. I intended to bask in it.

I began therapy a few months ago with a simple mind-set: My guy persona is miserable and depressed, my girl persona is joyful. With help from my therapist, I quickly worked through that one. There is no guy persona and girl persona, there's just me. I gave guy-side permission to share Lannie's joy, and lose his old "depressed guy" identity. I became a whole, happy person. Geez, that part was easy enough! (Okay, I'm simplifying, I've got other issues going on, but to stick to the point..) Now comes the hard part, how do I hold onto the joy, and grow it? What do I do with Lannie? What do I do with that guy?

These things I know. I certainly enjoy presenting myself to the world as a woman. Currently I spend all of my time outside of work en femme. I go everywhere and do everything that way. I feel better thinking of myself in a woman's role, and I like it when people treat me that way. It doesn't bother me particularly that I get "read"--that often people recognize that I am transgendered. As long as they give me a friendly smile and treat me respectfully (as almost everyone does) then I feel great. After all, I am not trying to hide what I am. I want people to know and like me, the complete me, and being transgendered is part of what I am. In fact, I do not try to suppress those positive qualities that I percieve to belong more to the male role; I am trying to be my whole true self. It just seems to align more naturally with the femme role than the masculine. I also believe that trying to live up to my concept of a man's role in society (and suppressing the female qualities) brought a lot of stress and unhappiness to my prior life.

I can't tell you precisely what these women's and men's gender roles are. I'll try anyway. It goes something like this. The man is responsible, the bread-winner, an emotional rock, hard-working, never idle. He is smart, a perfectionist, and has a good sense of humor. He is in charge of the family and of his life. He is kind and generous and just. Of course, here I am describing my own father. Of course that's what I think it means to be a man. As for the woman's role, I can describe my mother: She is loving, caring, domestic. Femminine. Sometimes she is vulnerable, frail, needs men to take care of her. She's no intellectual genius, but she has great life wisdom and everyone loves her. She takes care of the family's emotional needs. When any of us hurts, she hurts. And she's there to make it better. These are qualities Lannie enjoys expressing, that I perhaps did not allow my male side to experience.

The trouble is, I recognize that these characteristics of male and female gener roles are not fundamental characteristics of the genders themselves. Men can certainly be caring and emotional, for example, and there is nothing un-manly about that. Women can be responsible and smart, without being any less feminine. So what does it mean be "a girl" versus being "a boy"? Being "a woman" versus being "a man"? Of course there is the chromosome thing and the genitals thing, but I think we all recognize that that defines sex, not gender. (If you're not up on this distinction, you'd better go read a copy of True Selves, Understanding Transsexualism, For Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals by Mildred L. Brown & Chloe Ann Rounsley, Jossey-Bass Publishers, San Francisco, (c)1996.) So fundamentally what is gender? That's one I haven't got a grasp of yet.

Here's what I'm thinking about now. Will I be happy if I transition? ("Transition" meaning to go femme full time, intending to be that way forever, and possibly including hormone therapy and SRS.) Can I be happy without transitioning, perhaps by continuing to live a dual life? With all my new understanding of my life and attitudes, is it possible I can simply be happy as a man, if I choose to define that role in a way that's comfortable for me?

Here are the fears I dread the most. Will I repeat my old patterns in my femme life, and wind up depressed and friendless again? Will I be unable to find people to love me (this applies to both my femme and masculine personas .. but will it be even tougher en femme?) Will this whole femme thing get tiresome for me after a year.. or a decade? (By the way, it so happens that I don't have a great fear for the reactions of my family and friends, because I am fully confident of my family's love and understanding, and I don't have other close friends.)

I have a feeling I know what the answers to these questions are going to be .. but I am in no hurry, and I want to get this right. I will spend however long it takes to explore these issues, to experiment, to work with my therapist. I will continue to enjoy life while this is going on. I am confident that wherever I wind up, it will be a better place than my life was before. Something is working, and I am determined not to screw it up. Goddess help me!

Luv,
Lannie
9/2001

It has been six weeks since I wrote this essay. Since then I have decided that I do indeed choose to live my life as woman. I've given up driving myself nuts with questions like, “Am I truly a woman, at my core?” and “What does it really mean to be a woman, or a man?” These were important questions for me to explore, but it is not important to be able to answer them. This is not about me “being a woman” or “being a man”, I'm just being me. Me, who happens to be happier presenting myself as a woman. I have gotten my ears pierced, started laser beard removal, and begun growing my hair out. I've even been dating a very nice man! I am not taking hormones—I'm doing just fine without them, thank you. Maybe I will later on. I've been educating myself about SRS, but I'm not sure I'll ever go that route. (Certainly it would be years down the road if I ever do it.) I would love to go full time, but I love even more the nice salary my current job pays me, so I think I'll milk that for a while longer. I have not made any absolute decisions; I intend to remain open-minded and take things day by day, week by week. As long as I'm happy, I'm not in a hurry to make further changes. For now, the important thing is that I am no longer questioning who or what I am. I am a transsexual who has begun the process of transitioning.