On Being Transsexual

Last update 5 March 2002

Here are some musings about being transsexual. Me, I don't know if I am or I ain't. [LOL! See updates at the end of the essay! --Lannie] I am still in the process of exploring and trying to understand it myself. So this is a work in progress. If you find it helpful or amusing, great. Obviously I am no expert, so read with a skeptical eye, please. But anyway for whatever it's worth, here we go..

If you have any opinions or advice you'd like to share, or questions, I'd love to hear from you. E-mail lannierose@gmail.com or IM

Luv,
Lannie


Here's something I've come to learn about transsexuals. Some people know from their very earliest age that their true gender does not match their genetic sex. Of course these people are transsexuals. Other people do not figure it out until much later in life. These people are transsexuals as well, just as completely and truly as the others. In fact, they've been transsexuals all along, they just did not recognize or understand it. I may be this type of transsexual, because I still haven't figured it out, at the advanced age of.. well, let's go with 39, that's close enough to make the point.

What has happened to me lately is this. I'd been cross-dressing for quite a while, in fact, to a certain degree from a very early age. But I guess I would have to say I was "in the closet", as it was always alone, not shared with anyone else. Even though I would go out en femme shopping, or to the movies, or whatever, it was still a private thing. But then I started meeting other cross-dressers, and then some transsexuals, and things started to change for me. Gradually it became less and less about dressing up, and more and more about just living my life as a woman. And a wonderful thing happened. Suddenly there was joy in my life, a joy that had been missing for a long, long time. Suddenly there were friends, and I had not had friends in years. Suddenly there were interests, activities. Suddenly, I was dancing.

I fairly panicked. Joy? I didn't know how to deal with that. Or even if I could accept it without feeling guilty. But it was a good thing. I wanted to capture it. I didn't want to screw it up. I sought help. A TS girlfriend gave me the name of her therapist, and I called for an appointment. This was a remarkable thing for me, in and of itself. I had done rather extensive couples and personal therapy years before when my marriage was breaking up. I knew what therapy is all about. For years I had chosen not to engage in it, because I didn't believe I could turn my miserable, depressed, pointless life around. But now I saw a ray of hope--indeed, a broad shaft of light. I intended to bask in it.

I began therapy a few months ago with a simple mind-set: My guy persona is miserable and depressed, my girl persona is joyful. With help from my therapist, I quickly worked through that one. There is no guy persona and girl persona, there's just me. I gave guy-side permission to share Lannie's joy, and lose his old "depressed guy" identity. I became a whole, happy person. Geez, that part was easy enough! (Okay, I'm simplifying, I've got other issues going on, but to stick to the point..) Now comes the hard part, how do I hold onto the joy, and grow it? What do I do with Lannie? What do I do with that guy?

These things I know. I certainly enjoy presenting myself to the world as a woman. Currently I spend all of my time outside of work en femme. I go everywhere and do everything that way. I feel better thinking of myself in a woman's role, and I like it when people treat me that way. It doesn't bother me particularly that I get "read"--that often people recognize that I am transgendered. As long as they give me a friendly smile and treat me respectfully (as almost everyone does) then I feel great. After all, I am not trying to hide what I am. I want people to know and like me, the complete me, and being transgendered is part of what I am. In fact, I do not try to suppress those positive qualities that I percieve to belong more to the male role; I am trying to be my whole true self. It just seems to align more naturally with the femme role than the masculine. I also believe that trying to live up to my concept of a man's role in society (and suppressing the female qualities) brought a lot of stress and unhappiness to my prior life.

I can't tell you precisely what these women's and men's gender roles are. I'll try anyway. It goes something like this. The man is responsible, the bread-winner, an emotional rock, hard-working, never idle. He is smart, a perfectionist, and has a good sense of humor. He is in charge of the family and of his life. He is kind and generous and just. Of course, here I am describing my own father. Of course that's what I think it means to be a man. As for the woman's role, I can describe my mother: She is loving, caring, domestic. Femminine. Sometimes she is vulnerable, frail, needs men to take care of her. She's no intellectual genius, but she has great life wisdom and everyone loves her. She takes care of the family's emotional needs. When any of us hurts, she hurts. And she's there to make it better. These are qualities Lannie enjoys expressing, that I perhaps did not allow my male side to experience.

The trouble is, I recognize that these characteristics of male and female gener roles are not fundamental characteristics of the genders themselves. Men can certainly be caring and emotional, for example, and there is nothing un-manly about that. Women can be responsible and smart, without being any less feminine. So what does it mean be "a girl" versus being "a boy"? Being "a woman" versus being "a man"? Of course there is the chromosome thing and the genitals thing, but I think we all recognize that that defines sex, not gender. (If you're not up on this distinction, you'd better go read a copy of True Selves, Understanding Transsexualism, For Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals by Mildred L. Brown & Chloe Ann Rounsley, Jossey-Bass Publishers, San Francisco, (c)1996.) So fundamentally what is gender? That's one I haven't got a grasp of yet.

Here's what I'm thinking about now. Will I be happy if I transition? ("Transition" meaning to go femme full time, intending to be that way forever, and possibly including hormone therapy and SRS.) Can I be happy without transitioning, perhaps by continuing to live a dual life? With all my new understanding of my life and attitudes, is it possible I can simply be happy as a man, if I choose to define that role in a way that's comfortable for me?

Here are the fears I dread the most. Will I repeat my old patterns in my femme life, and wind up depressed and friendless again? Will I be unable to find people to love me (this applies to both my femme and masculine personas .. but will it be even tougher en femme?) Will this whole femme thing get tiresome for me after a year.. or a decade? (By the way, it so happens that I don't have a great fear for the reactions of my family and friends, because I am fully confident of my family's love and understanding, and I don't have other close friends.)

I have a feeling I know what the answers to these questions are going to be .. but I am in no hurry, and I want to get this right. I will spend however long it takes to explore these issues, to experiment, to work with my therapist. I will continue to enjoy life while this is going on. I am confident that wherever I wind up, it will be a better place than my life was before. Something is working, and I am determined not to screw it up. Goddess help me!

Luv,
Lannie
9/2001


It has been six weeks since I wrote this essay. Since then I have decided that I do indeed choose to live my life as woman. I've given up driving myself nuts with questions like, “Am I truly a woman, at my core?” and “What does it really mean to be a woman, or a man?” These were important questions for me to explore, but it is not important to be able to answer them. This is not about me “being a woman” or “being a man”, I'm just being me. Me, who happens to be happier presenting myself as a woman. I have gotten my ears pierced, started laser beard removal, and begun growing my hair out. I've even been dating a very nice man! I am not taking hormones—I'm doing just fine without them, thank you. Maybe I will later on. I've been educating myself about SRS, but I'm not sure I'll ever go that route. (Certainly it would be years down the road if I ever do it.) I would love to go full time, but I love even more the nice salary my current job pays me, so I think I'll milk that for a while longer. I have not made any absolute decisions; I intend to remain open-minded and take things day by day, week by week. As long as I'm happy, I'm not in a hurry to make further changes. For now, the important thing is that I am no longer questioning who or what I am. I am a transsexual who has begun the process of transitioning.

Luv,
Lannie
10/2001


Another eight weeks has passed, and it seems I need to do another update. I hadn't intended for this to be a transition journal, but just to complete the story.. Here it is just after Christmas 2001. Before leaving for the holiday break, I came out at work! I am very blessed and lucky that management and my fellow employees are totally accepting and supportive of my announcement. So as of December 22, 2001, I am a full-time transsexual woman. I return to work January 2 as Lannie (actually, as Elaine--I think that sounds a little more mature.) In January, pending a minor medical impediment, I will start hormones. And it's pretty clear in my mind now that I will somehow grow up to be an old lady with breasts and a vagina. Hurrah for me, if I may be so bold!

Luv,
Lannie
12/2001


And yet another update. I just finished my second day at work as a woman. It is more wonderful than I had imagined. It feels so natural and whole to me. Everything about my day has a new sparkle. I'm starting to get moments where I forget I ever lived as a male, and I expect them to grow into forever.

Everyone at work has been just terrific. The women are warm and welcoming. The men are been studiously nonchalant, but friendly. The only uneasiness I noticed was when a couple of men asked about SRS. When I explained there were no surgeries happening at this time, they relaxed.

Going in that first morning, I was hardly nervous at all. Certainly nothing like the first time I went out dressed, or used a ladies restroom, or a ladies dressing room. The receptionist gave me a big smile and a hello, and chatted with me for a while. Tt was all smooth sailing from then on. Nobody has mentioned my trannie status at all, even obliquely.

Today I had two wonderful VLE's (Virgin Life Experiences). First, I stood up in front of a group of two dozen executives, most of whom had never met me before, and presented status on a couple of major programs. I wore my best Garfield and Marks sienna power pantsuit (I'm making the guys wait a bit before they get to see my legs!), a pale yellow silk shell, and dark brown allligator pumps with 2-1/2 inch heels. I felt great and it went off without a hitch. It felt for all the world like the closing scene of "Just Like A Woman" where Adrian Pasdar, en femme, takes over the board meeting (except that I was not petrified like Adrian was at first). I wanted to pull off my wig and yell "Grab 'em by the balls, Miles, and their hearts and minds are sure to follow!" but there was no one named Miles in the room, and it would have pretty much blown the image I want to project. Seriously, it was a great confidence builder for me--I'm ready for anything now.

My other wonderful experience is that I wandered into the kitchen after the meeting, and three ladies I had just met were sitting around a table chatting. They greeted me with smiles and invited me to join them. There I was, just one of the gals, discussing a little of this and a little of that (clothes, boys, bosses, etc.) for half an hour. I loved it! Goddess bless the women for being so nice about including me in. You know, they probably would have been just as nice to me had I been presenting as a man--it would be me that just couldn't join in.

I can see a true change in my personality. I no longer feel obliged to voice my opinion and argue for it. I'm not interested in competing with the men. Let them figure out what they want, and I'll just do my part. I'm sure I'll still stand up to be counted when something is important, or badly wrong, or my responsibility, but I don't need to own everything any more. My priorities have changed. Perhaps before, I was just doing what I thought I ought to be doing, and not feeling what I really wanted. Now I am in touch with my feelings, and that's all I need to do. I don't know if this will last, but it feels right. Maybe what happened can be descirbed this way: I got a life.

I do have the bathroom dilema. Corporate council and executive staff (all men) think there is a sexual-harrassment liability if they let me use the ladies room. So would I please use the men's restroom until I am a "real woman"? (They are well-intentioned, but not very enlightened!) I tried researching the matter but there is surprisingly little helpful information out there, considering that this problem comes up so often. Apparently there is no controlling legal authority (as our President-elect used to say) to settle the issue one way or the other. Also, it varies from state to state, so that hinders a consensus from forming. Clearly the best solution is compromise not confrontation, because the most likely outcome of confrontation is that the TS loses her job. I am trying to sell the compromise of designating a single restroom for use by women of G and TS varieties, and any GG's who are bothered by it can use the other women's restroom.

Speaking of being ready for anything, the county government is helping me out on that account: I just got a jury duty summons in the mail. Isn't this fun?

Luv,
Lannie
1/3/2002


I think this will be my final entry in this essay. I've been living as a woman full time for two months now. I'm still simply thrilled. There hasn't been a moment when I considered presenting as a guy for any reason. I love interacting with people as woman, be that at work, shopping, socially, or just going about my life. At work I've met new people, old co-workers, customers, and vendors. I've made presentations to executive staff and I traveled to Redmond for a meeting in the bowels of mighty Microsoft. In "real life", I went to jury duty (didn't even get interviewed), seen a liver specialist and got my liver and spleen scanned in the hospital (I'm fine, thanks), and got cute new femmie glasses at a new optometrist. I shopped shopped shopped-they know me by name at Nordtrom already! And I danced danced danced. I seem to have coasted through the bathroom issue at work, at least for now, as you can read about in another essay. I came out to my family and wrote an essay about it. It did not go very well, and it is the one sad thing for me so far in my transition. But it will not defeat me, and I'm confident they will comme around soon enough.

What is most important and most telling is that I feel profoundly happy and peaceful. In my prior life, I never actually hated myself. But I never knew what it meant to really like myself. It reminds me of something that happened to me years ago, when I was matriculating from U.C. Berkeley. Someone told me that Berkeley has an excellent optometry school, and I could get a first rate eye exam done for free by the students. So I took advantage and had that done. I found out my vision was lousy, and I needed glasses badly. I got them, and suddenly everything became so much clearer. Literally! But I had never realized that things could be so clear, I had simply lived in a fog. Now I understood why I always had to sit in the front row of the class to see the board. And why my best friend could always read the road signs miles before I could. It was very simple and obvious. But I just didn't have a clue. That's how I feel about my life now, living as a woman. Now, when I look in the mirror, I recognize the person I see as me. Before, that person somehow seemed a stranger. My clothes really seem to be mine, and express my personality. I could never find a male style that felt like me. When people call me Elaine or Lannie, it feels like they're calling me; but I never particularly liked my boy name. Some trans-women complain about the loss of male privilege. I revel in the freedom from male responsibility, I bask in femme privilege--when I get to go through the door first, or that I can ask a clerk for help in the hardware store, or when I get a free pass when I've done something stupid, or when someone smiles at me for no reason. A few times somebody at work will hesitantly make a little boorish joke about letting the woman (me) get the coffee or the copies. I smile and do it, and feel great about it! It makes me feel good to be able to be of service, and be appreciated for it. Am I being a floor mat? No, I'm a great feminist. I'm a professional making a 6-figure salary, and my expertise is respected. But I carry it in a femme manner. Heck, I even saw Gloria Steinem lecture last month!

Do I regret that I didn't do this much sooner? I have my fantasies. Goddess, I would have had a great time in my 30's. In my 20's! But no, I'm not going to anguish over that. What is, is. Besides, I would not have been so well prepared for it then, so maybe it would not have been so great. And anyway, at least I get to spend a good part of my 40's as the woman I truly am. For that I am truly grateful.

Is my journey over? Hardly. Transition will be on-going for 2 or 3 more years. This year is hair and hormones. Goddess willing, the following year will be SRS. These will be exciting, growing times, and I plan to value and enjoy every moment. But after 3 or 4 years, transition will start fading into the shadows of memory, and I will be just another woman making her way in the world. A healthy, self-confident, kind, fun, attractive woman. A very happy woman. A very, very lucky woman.

Luv,
Lannie
3/5/2002


Home .. Words index